My Childhood

On a whim (I operate this Tumblr purely on whim, so that’s not really significant), I went and looked up the first episode of Gargoyles, aka one of the coolest shows ever. Inspired by that, I have here assembled the intros to the stupidly cool things I watched as a kid, each of which can be credited with making me so darn awesome.

We may have only had grunge and flannel shirts the rest of the time, but the 90’s had some pimpin’ kid’s shows.

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers

If anyone ever spells it with a G on the end, they’re a poser. It’s morphin’ and everyone knows it.

I think it’s a good thing that this took place in the 90’s, because if Zordon had asked for teenagers with attitude at basically any other point in history, his place would have been trashed, and Alpha would have had to drag out like five Johnny Rottens or something. It could have been bad, is what I’m sayin’.

Transformers G1

LASERS. Just LASERS. And planes. And tanks. And trucks.

There is so little you need to know to watch Transformers - Autobots are good, Decepticons are bad. LASERS.

X-Men Cartoon

No words. Just…no words.

Some mother once said to my mom that she didn’t let her kids watch X-Men because it was violent. My mom responded by talking about the themes of prejudice and justice prevalent in the show, and how the X-Men did what was necessary and all that. All I knew: so much cool factor.

Those kids who didn’t get to watch it? They all unironically watch Nicholas Sparks movies. I KNOW it.

Gargoyles

Goliath was so. Frikkin’. Cool. He had rockin’ hair, too.

Gargoyles was some dark stuff, man. First twenty minutes of the series and you’ve already had a lot of people being thrown from buildings. It basically predated all the supernatural cop shows we’ve got now, but with 900 times more cool factor. In no other place can you find a waking up sequence as cool as in Gargoyles.

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Things That Are Heavy Metal

You know what we don’t have enough of today? Heavy Metal. Heavy Metal is the funnest thing ever. Seriously.

And I don’t just mean the music. Heavy Metal is an aesthetic - a shameless, fire-breathing, explodey aesthetic that is perfectly embodied by a few of these things here:

Power Rangers

Power Rangers did not care that it was objectively goofy, because it was so awesome. Unlike so many other shows, it demonstrated that at the end of the day, if you were feeling down about being excluded from basketball games at the Rec Center, you could always find the answers to your problems by OBLITERATING A GIANT LEPRECHAUN WITH A LIGHTNING SWORD.

I don’t wanna hear you Voltron people gettin’ all up in my face. Power Rangers was cooler, end of story.

I will now show you this video that tells you everything you need to know about the Power Rangers.

Okay, guys, giant animal-bots are go! No, not enough? Okay, giant Animal-bot tank! Still not enough? Giant mech! Still not enough? Giant Mech with attached dino-bots! Still not enough? Call in the entire other Giant dragon mech! Still not enough? COMBINE INTO HEAVY METAL PRIME AND INFLICT NUCLEAR DEATH ON EVERYTHING

Transformers

Transformers was every little boy’s vehicle fantasies on space-crack. There are also robots and lasers, but mostly jets and trucks (that are robots with lasers). Everything transformed, because transforming is clearly the coolest. Transformers taught us that BOOMBOOMBOOM STAB BOOM CRASH KABOOOOOOOOOM

Gaze in awe at 10 minutes of utter carnage. There are holes blown in chests, bits and pieces flying through the air, head-crushing, epic pronouncements, I mean GEEZE. There’s even a crack-fueled Autobot just shootin’ away like he’s at UT.

WE WILL TRANSFORM OUR ENTIRE CITY INTO BATTLE MODE. COOL STORY BRO WE WILL COMBINE SOME OF OUR GUYS INTO A SUPER SIEGE MECH. COOL STORY BRO I AM A BELOVED NICE GUY AND WILL NOW MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTER A DOZEN OF YOU TO AN INSPIRING 80’S TUNE. EAT HOT LASER DEATH.

Godzilla

Rounding out the list is the master series of all giant monster anythings: Godzilla. Men in rubber suits have the time of their lives getting struck by fireworks and beating the crud out of each other. Entire cities are laid waste in the most spectacular wrestling matches of all time.

There are plenty of robots and lasers scattered about the Godzilla series (I’m sensing a theme here), but my favorite Godzilla movie is Destroy All Monsters. The bravado is awe-inspiring, and the movie ends with a ridiculously awesome Ghidorah-lynching.

Consider that the guy inside the King Ghidorah costume must be totally blind. He probably spent this entire scene screaming incoherently, and they dubbed in the sound later.

I only found that 24 second clip on some random Myspace page. I must rectify this. We must ALL rectify this, because this movie is badical. I will make an entire article dedicated to this fight.

Note that all of this is awesome in the sense of being unabashedly cheesy. It’s the ‘Haters gonna hate’ effect, really. Go listen to some Judas Priest and you will understand just how much Metal does not care about your preconceptions of not being so incredibly awesome. Heavy Metal says “Hey, why SHOULDN’T I just be RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME” with emphasis on both of those words, and then is exactly that, in both directions.

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