streeter:

I am a historian and this is how it happened.

streeter:

I am a historian and this is how it happened.

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sorenbowie:

leviaqueen:

deerhoof:

the future is here and it’s horrible

Innovative technology.

When you are programmed to serve, there are only so many ways to rebel.

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Entitled Woman Rejected Multiple Times, Goes on Shopping Spree

codyjohnston:

Meanwhile

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fortey:

I’ve stated elsewhere I majored in Philosophy and English in university, not the most productive or lucrative fields, but ones that did help broaden some horizons, I like to think. My favorite memory of my time in university was in a second year philosophy class in which, ancillary to some…

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How do you make socialization less scary? Goal-oriented interaction like presentations and projects I can handle, but when it comes to general mingling I always wind up standing stiffly off to the side, reminding myself to make eye contact and not bite my nails, and my sentences become more jumbled than a box of miscellaneous legos despite being planned well in advance. HOW IS PEOPLE CONTACT SUPPOSED TO WORK?!
Anonymous

thisdanobrien:

Sorry to hear about your anxiety issues, it can be pretty tough. I’ve talked to a few doctors about this actually and together we’ve come up with a ten-step process that I think has gotten me to a much healthier place. I’m no expert, I don’t know if it’ll work for everyone, but I’ve certainly found success with it.

1. Take a deep, deep breath, and really focus on your breathing. You’re not thinking about the crowd, where to put your hands, and the music and your nails and everything else- all you need to think about for the next twenty seconds is a deep breath. That’s one thing. You can handle one thing.

2. Count to ten. That’s easy, you can do that. You have total control over your ability to count to ten. Look at you, crushing ten.

[Remember, the key to socialization is being comfortable with yourself first. People are like more sophisticated versions of dogs; they can sense if your nervous or tense and they will respond in kind.]

3. Life your shoulders up, then roll them back and down. This is relaxing (and will help your posture) and it is yet another thing you can control, which seems to be in your wheelhouse; you’re comfortable doing presentations because everything is written out or rehearsed, there’s no room for spontaneity, you have everyone’s full attention and you are in complete control.

4. Accept that you won’t be able to control the people/events in this room or party, but you CAN control how you respond to them.

5. Take another deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Very good.

6. Take out the bag of spiders you’ve been keeping in your inside jacket pocket and liberally sprinkle them throughout the party. Slowly, everyone else at the party will notice the spiders (the bag should have lots) and they will all individually come to the realization that they ALSO can’t control the events of the world. When Chaos is given a voice, the playing field becomes even.

[The spiders can smell blood in the air and will thank you for the gift you’ve given them.]

7. Isolate the person who seems to be the most “in charge” in the room. This will be an authority figure (in a work situation) or the person who seems least phased by all of the spiders (at a party or family gathering).

8. Unhinge your lower jaw and consume this person. His authority was imaginary and reliant on the cooperation of cowards and charlatans. You are neither. You are a shark in a sea of guppies. What everyone else in the world is looking for, you’ve already found and discarded.

9. The light inside you is the only light that truly matters. It burns brightest and hottest. It would be blinding to anyone else, but not you, you are the Warrior and the Father.

10. One more deep breath.

Hope this helps!

Don’t invite me to anything because this is what I will be doing from now on.

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Father: Son, I promise to teach you everything I know so you can grow up to be an intelligent, well-rounded, informed individual.
Son: Dad, I promise to teach you everything I learn so that you don't grow older and become scared of new technologies and cultural touchstones, so that you may continue to be an active member of society.
Father: Okay.
Son: Okabez.
Father: Excuse me?
Son: "Okabez". It's like "Okay" but a little different. It's how the kids at school are saying it now.
Father: I hate you, son.
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animalstalkinginallcaps:

SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.
AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.
I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.

AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

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animalstalkinginallcaps:

FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

Oh. Oh this explains a lot.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

Oh. Oh this explains a lot.

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Your masterpiece.

thebrockway:

You shouldn’t do things, because no matter how beautiful and perfect it turns out, somebody on the internet will notice one tiny, totally irrelevant mistake you made and they will shit all over you for it. Then everybody will upvote the shitter for shitting on you, as if to say “yes, shit on them. Shit all over them. Forever. Never stop shitting on them.”

You should probably just eat pudding out of a mixing bowl and die in your sleep instead.

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